Monday, August 22, 2016

My Slump & Working from Home - The Good, The Bad & the 'I Haven't Showered in 2 Days'.

Howdy, friends... from the floor of my bedroom, because naturally we are still sleeping on our floor. (If you're not caught up, see previous post here.) 
- above picture, 100% not related to the post, I just like it and it felt weird to write a post without throwing at least one photo in it ;) 

Is it weird that every day that I don't log on to the blog and write about our life, I feel a void or even a dark cloud over my head, because I'm afraid I will regret not having this time to look back on? I feel guilt because it's not that I don't have the time to sit down and write, I just don't have the motivation. 

I've been in somewhat of a serious funk for the past 6 months (maybe longer) or so. So many things have contributed to it; not feeling settled in our home, having a seriously long episode of pretty severe anxiety and also having some mixed feelings about my working from home situation. Lack of motivation is a serious understatement for pretty much everything in my life right now and it's a place of discontentment and something I am really trying to climb my way out of. For now, I'm just going to chat and see where it takes me... by no means do I expect any of you to stick around and read it all, but if you do, you the real MVP.  

If you've been around here for a minute, you know that right at the first of this year I started working full time from home. Same job I've been doing (which is a Compliance Analyst for a company that sells Medicare insurance - work girls, if you're reading this, do you have a better way of describing what we do, because this is all I could come up with!) for the past five years, but due to an office move and spacing issues, my department was relocated to the comforts of our home, full time. I go into the office about one time every two weeks and other than that, it's just me, myself and sometimes Billy if he is off during the week at home, Monday - Friday, 8-5. It's also worth mentioning that just because I work from home, doesn't mean I have the free will to come and go as I please. I'm expected (and am) to be at my desk for my full 8-5 shift, with an hour for lunch and two 15 minute breaks during the day. It is my regular job, just usually done in my PJ's. 
I know this sounds like a dream to most people and you are probably thinking I am bat shit crazy for even mentioning that it is having a negative effect on me at the current time and I don't blame you, because I think it's nuts, too. 
However, over the past 8 months, I haven't really been able to establish a good routine for making it comfortable to be working from home everyday. The first few months were fine... I was busy moving, getting settled into a new place, had different surroundings and I was relishing in the new found 'me' time I had away from toddler town. Lately I've noticed myself becoming way too OK not getting dressed until 5pm when I go pick up Abigail (and even then we're talking yoga pants and a sweater, bra optional), going a day without showering out of sheer laziness (woof) and just overall letting myself slip into a comfortable slump. 
My focus this week is to work my way out of the gloom. As I write this (Sunday night), my alarm is set for 6:30am to head to the gym, which will result in an immediate shower and I may even put real clothes on (I'm talking about a dress, lets be real, I hardly ever wear pants). I'm already planning what Pandora station I'll have pumping through the house as I sit down at my desk for the day and my to do list has been written. 
And to not get anything twisted, I really do love working from home. I know how lucky I am to be able to go to the gym during my lunch break and not have to worry about going back to an office a disgusting mess afterwards, or be able to throw dinner in the crock pot at 10am or switch my laundry over in between conference calls. I wouldn't trade what I do for anything else, but I do miss the structure of going into an office everyday... but then I'd have to wear pants and that's just not something I want to do ;) 

Moving on... again, if you've been reading for a while you know that back in February, our little family packed up the rental home we were living in (partly because the owners put the house up for sale) and moved into an apartment close by. At the time, we knew it would be temporary, but weren't sure what our next move would be (although, we knew it would be pretty permanent, since we are so sick of moving). We have finally figured out what our next step is and we are SO EXCITED (& if you follow me on Snap Chat you've probably already see a spoiler. Snap name - jlhuff13)! It's not the right time to share yet, but when it is, you'll be the first to know ;) That being said, apartment life has been tough. The complex we live in is beautiful and it is so, so nice to be able to just pick up the phone when something breaks and have it fixed at no charge within hours, but we've been blessed with some pretty terrible neighbors (think... me sitting on our porch and having the people above us dump their bucket of mop water off of their slatted wood plank patio directly on to me, not once BUT TWICE)  and we feel very confined to our little space. We knew that was the risk we were taking and it was still the best thing to do for our family at the time, but we are so, so ready to be gone. Not being happy with where you live and being here all the time for work is quite depressing and definitely does not help me with this slump I'm trying to work through. 

I know this is already so long, but can we talk about anxiety for a minute? Because holy shit has mine been out of control lately. I am an anxious person by nature and it is something I've had to deal with (a lot of the time unsuccessfully) for as long as I can remember and without sugarcoating it, it is exhausting and annoying. But lately, the anxiety I have been having is pretty much all centered around Abigail. Hopefully some of you other mama's out here can relate? Or offer some words of encouragement? Or just tell me I'm not crazy?! For some reason, I've been having terrible feelings of something bad happening to Abigail. Or happening to me and Abigail not having me anymore. Nothing traumatic has happened to trigger feelings like this and I know it's just a moment in time, but it seems like it is consuming my thoughts. It can be quite overwhelming to love and care for a tiny person so much that it becomes almost paralyzing. 

This too shall pass... 
on repeat. 

So there we have it. The contents of my brain on a Sunday night at almost midnight. If you're still reading, bless your patient soul. 

Writing is so therapeutic to me and photography holds a special place in my heart, so I'm moving them up on my priority to do list. So check back often (Instagram - jenniferhuff13). Exciting things will be popping up soon (not pregnant)! 


4 comments:

  1. Have you read "The Fringe Hours"? It really helped me get back on the motivation train and make the most of the time that I have outside of kids, etc. I think focusing on the things you enjoy helps all around with happiness and contentment. It's not always easy because sometimes watching Netflix on the couch sounds good but doesn't leave us feeling fulfilled after. You have had a big year- I hope your anxiety settles for you as you find more contentment. You are not alone though- I have felt all of these feelings!

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    1. I hadn't heard of the book, but I'm going to look into it! Thank you!! :)

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  2. I have the same anxiety with my kids. And I have never battled anxiety, so yours is probably worse. I wish I could tell you it get easier, but it doesn't. As I send my 11yr old to middle school, and riding the bus for the first time in his life, I was freaking out lol. And my daughter staring high school this year(high school boy) I can't even deal. I am terrified when it comes time for her to be able drive. Like full on panic attack. Your fears and worries will change as Abigail grows. We as mothers can't even put into words the love we have for our children.how would I ever go on if anything ever happened to them. In my opinion, I think it means your a good mama!

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    1. Thanks Michelle :) Anxiety sucks! and I wish I could put Abigail in a bubble and only take her our for hugs and kisses ;)

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